Free?
I have some money
It serves some needs
But it won’t set me free
I have dark chains
Born in my past
But they still pull at meI have dreams of the future
I have some fears
They’re hidden deep inside of me
I fight for control
But often I find
That my fears they control meI can’t change much
But I can change me
I can’t do much
But I can be freeI built a house
I wanted to feel safe
Now it’s all the world sees of me
And I’ve lately found
That it distorts
The world that I can seeSo I’ll open my doors
I’ll remove my chains
Then I’ll see more clearly
I’ll connect more
I’ll give more
Then I’ll live more freelyI can’t change much
But I can change me
I can’t do much
But I can be free
I Vow to Live it Well
I had a dream. I was on an escalator taking me into the future. I could not get off. Or go back.
My fate, my destiny was fixed. At the end was darkness. I was glad to wake up.
My challenge in the present is to distract myself from that paralysing vision. To live the best I can….for as long as I can.
I have my relationships, those I love. These are my priority.
I am “retired”. But I choose not to accept this as I feel that to be alive means I must add value. I must make things better. I must fix things. I must reinvent myself.
I’m creating a home. I’m learning a new language. I write and compose music. I travel.
But I yearn for more. I am restless for more.
I consider the problems of the age – Inequality, Housing for the next Generation, Climate Change, Innovation, Productivity, Communication, Politics and Democracy. Can I help create a new Politics? Can I help reduce Inequality? Can I help produce new Climate Change policies? Or are all these but distractions. In the end I am on the escalator. In the end I will add little value except perhaps to those I love.
I have dark days. I have good days. But what is life without struggle?
I remember a line in my song “We are Not Alone“…
“ I did not plan for this but now I vow to live it well”.
A New Beginning of Sorts
At 61 I chose to live on the top floor of a big house on the top of a hill with a view of Alexandra Palace and the Sky. There was no lift and three flights of stairs from the street to the top floor.
I could walk to my partner’s flat down the hill to the left and to Crouch End village down the hill to the right, both within 10 mins.
Following my illness I had gambled on my health being good for at least 10 years into the future. I had chosen to position myself ready for the next challenge. I had chosen to reinvent myself. The future was uncertain with only the ultimate end clear. My recent past was turbulent.
I chose a base that did not require too much work. However, while it had much that was new, there was still much to do. It took more time and effort than I had anticipated. It would take a while before I would feel safe. Before I would consider it home.
Non Serviam
“Nobody gives it to ya,
Ya gotta take it”
That’s the ‘law’
That’s how you make itAnd they took too much
With cruelty and the gun
Then with inheritance
And with organisationI had no monopoly
Or old money to fire
I’d only innovation
And a work ethic for hire
Inexorably
I know it’s in the distance
Where the earth meets the sky
Sometimes I glimpse it
In the corner of my eyeAnd so I distract myself
With everyday things
With learning & entertainment
With words and with stringsStill, inexorably I’m pulled
Into the wilderness
To the twisted shapes moving
I see the twilight confessAnd yet on the journey
When I hold your hand
Something somehow changes
I feel a meaning I understand
Remember to Breathe
Life is unknowable
Like a Zen Garden grows
Life is unknowable
It comes, and it goes
The Way’s much more
Than the End achieves
I know the Cherry Blossom
It flowers, and then leavesI must remember
I must remember to breathe.
I must remember
I must remember to breathe
To avoid those, who will deceive
To work on, what I believe
To give more, than I receive
And remember, remember to breathe
I’d Nearly Died
I was slowing down
I slept at wrong times
I forgot many things
I forgot my lines
And then I awoke
With you by my side
And a blinking blue light
…I’d nearly diedI remember being wet
They cut my pants off
I faded in and out
Many hours were lost
In my head was something
It was growing inside
My behaviour changed
…I’d nearly diedFrom friends and family
A love I didn’t expect
I ordered my affairs
For what might come next
I was glad to wake up
I shivered on the slide
I’d bled too much
…I’d nearly diedThen came steroids
Not much sleep at all
But very dark dreams
I passed out in a fall
The hospital staff
Helped as I tried
As I recovered slowly
…I’d nearly diedToo much to say
Too intense and raw
Over days and months
I struggled with it all
But you were there
You held me when I cried
As you struggled to cope
Cos I’d nearly died
