Thus I Wrote

You're never alone, if you've something to share

Posts Tagged ‘death

I Vow to Live it Well

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I had a dream. I was on an escalator taking me into the future. I could not get off. Or go back.

My fate, my destiny was fixed. At the end was darkness. I was glad to wake up.

My challenge in the present is to distract myself from that paralysing vision. To live the best I can….for as long as I can.

I have my relationships, those I love. These are my priority.

I am “retired”. But I choose not to accept this as I feel that to be alive means I must add value. I must make things better. I must fix things. I must reinvent myself.

I’m creating a home. I’m learning a new language. I write and compose music. I travel.

But I yearn for more. I am restless for more.

I consider the problems of the age – Inequality, Housing for the next Generation, Climate Change, Innovation, Productivity, Communication, Politics and Democracy. Can I help create a new Politics? Can I help reduce Inequality? Can I help produce new Climate Change policies? Or are all these but distractions. In the end I am on the escalator. In the end I will add little value except perhaps to those I love.

I have dark days. I have good days. But what is life without struggle?

I remember a line in my song “We are Not Alone“…
“ I did not plan for this but now I vow to live it well”.

Written by thus.i.wrote

March 1, 2020 at 1:07 am

Posted in Prose

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I’d Nearly Died

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I was slowing down
I slept at wrong times
I forgot many things
I forgot my lines
And then I awoke
With you by my side
And a blinking blue light
…I’d nearly died

I remember being wet
They cut my pants off
I faded in and out
Many hours were lost
In my head was something
It was growing inside
My behaviour changed
…I’d nearly died

From friends and family
A love I didn’t expect
I ordered my affairs
For what might come next
I was glad to wake up
I shivered on the slide
I’d bled too much
…I’d nearly died

Then came steroids
Not much sleep at all
But very dark dreams
I passed out in a fall
The hospital staff
Helped as I tried
As I recovered slowly
…I’d nearly died

Too much to say
Too intense and raw
Over days and months
I struggled with it all
But you were there 
You held me when I cried
As you struggled to cope
Cos I’d nearly died

Written by thus.i.wrote

September 21, 2019 at 11:48 am

Posted in Poems, Poetry

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Black Mantilla

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Black Mantilla Artwork

You’re in a black mantilla by my grave
In the black dress bought from money you’ve saved
You’re in black sunglasses dropping tears
You’re oblivious to quizzical glances here
Now throw in your red rose
To finish your design
And I’ll love you forever
…In the memories I’ve left behind
And I’ll love you forever
…In the memories I’ve left behind

You’re in a straw hat as the waves they pass
You’re drinking Rosado from a beaded glass
You’re in black sunglasses hiding your fears
You’re oblivious to admiring glances here
And the breeze it carries the sun
As the boats begin to dance
As the stars align one more time
…You have one more chance
As the stars align one more time
…You have one more chance

We acquire knowledge,
And we pass it on down the line
We do what we can
As we pass through time
Even with our backs against the wall
There’s still hope for us today
We have no answers
But we still have stuff that we can say
And I know we have no answers
But we still have stuff that we can say

We love each other
With our beautiful fractured hearts
We need something to hold onto
We need someone’s hand to grasp

Written by thus.i.wrote

June 6, 2017 at 9:28 am

The Mansions of the Dead

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Mansions of the Dead 1932 by Paul Nash 1889-1946

I awoke and rose above
The detritus of the night
Half-remembered dreams
In the anxious half-light
I heard silent whispers
In the candlelight as they fed
I saw the forgotten many
In the mansions of the dead

I watched her as she talked
I saw her emotions flicker
I thought and wondered why?
Do her angels and demons bicker?
I see a cloud of sadness float by
I wondered what does it teach?
What hand is on her shoulder?
And from where does it reach?

In the night I feel her
Breathing love and affection
Her legs curl around mine
Does she seek my protection
My prayers rise like incense
Quietly above her head
As she searches for the answers
In the mansions of the dead

Written by thus.i.wrote

January 18, 2017 at 1:27 pm

Fissure and Split

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There’s a fissure and a split,
In the armour that I’ve built,
That makes me so restless now.
In the recesses of my mind,
Where fear scurries blind,
And darkness rises somehow.

There’s a tightness in my gut,
Of time racing and things ending, but,
I’ve a longing for forbidden things.
I hear the inexorable journey’s hiss,
To the darkness of the abyss,
And the sound while the banshee sings.

To that which I had completed,
To that which I had defeated,
And that which I must rise above now.
The cacophony of rejection,
As loneliness and non-acceptance,
Irrelevance and uselessness row.

I wrestle in my dreams now,
A dark demon that stalks and howls,
Suddenly stripped of my armour’s power.
I’m suddenly falling from on high,
Fearing multiple goodbyes,
Before hellos have finished their hour.

And yet I’m brave so I must rise,
To look my fears in the eyes,
And because I’m blessed to be alive.
I will stand and fight,
For love and the right,
To hold someone’s hand and smile.

Written by thus.i.wrote

November 22, 2016 at 9:26 am

Black Silk

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Never Too Dark To See

This human condition
In which we live
In which we know
This absurd condition

We watch ourselves grow
Live, love and decay
We hear echoes of eternity
In a dark universe of stars
We wonder, we cry out
For a father or mother
A creator to give us meaning
Someone to make us feel less alone

We push our boundaries
We compete for our space
We seek some control
For the world to remember us here
And so the river runs
Ever onward
And so the current pushes us
Ever onward

Now I’m alone at night
In the darkness
I feel the earth turn
Beneath me
I’m fading, fading into silk
Black silk

Written by thus.i.wrote

September 9, 2016 at 7:09 am

My World

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I was born naked
Naked in a frightening world
A world without obvious meaning
A world insecure
A world with no direction
A world of swirling forms
A world of noise and uncertainty

And so I built a house
To make sense of the world
And it became my world
With pillars strong
And I found others
Who shared my world
And together we built a city
To protect us
To give us meaning
To protect us from storms

But one day a big storm came
That knocked a pillar of my house down
That rocked my world
That separated me from the others
That forced me to look at the truth
To look at the darkness beyond my house
To look at the darkness beyond my city
And I saw death
I saw no obvious meaning
I saw I was alone
I saw the terrifying responsibility
Of my freedom
I saw the terrifying responsibility
Of finding my own way

For a while I went mad
And I sought distraction
In drink, in sex, in recreation
But, over time, came acceptance
Over time,  I found my new niche
Over time, I found a way to compete and serve
Over time, I built a new house
In a new city
With bigger windows
Over time, I let more light in.

Written by thus.i.wrote

August 4, 2016 at 9:03 am

The Man who sought Grace

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burning bush b&w

1. Creation

After wandering many days and nights
I found myself on a desert hill
I saw a bush begin to burn
And I heard a voice quiet and still

“The solemnity and grandeur of the universe
Refusing the deadening influence of conformity
Rose through a process of unification
Through the dark quiet of time’s enormity

To every wonder-bright plain and the turning seas
And with all the diversities of existence utilised
And so nothing, nothing is lost
‘Til time, stardust and circumstance improvised

Then from the darkness, something grew
And mankind evolved to where you now be
A brief glorious pulsation
In the black hole of eternity.”

2. The grim knowledge of Reality

I was led to a beautiful garden
To a tree with forbidden fruit
When I was ready I was persuaded to eat
And a new grim knowledge took root

In a vision I see an abyss of reality
Where we’re ultimately Alone
And things fade, like love to loss
And Death’s inevitable I’m shown
We’ve no obvious Meaning
Or no sense to our lives
We’ve Freedom and the duty to make
What we will of our lives
With alternatives excluded we choose
One path with fear and invention.
But the wise, within these grim truths,
Find the seeds of wisdom and redemption.

3. The soft gauze of Illusion

I cried, “This bare knowledge fills me with anxiety
I need certainty, I need meaning
I don’t want to be alone or to die
Can you rescue me by intervening?”

The voice said: “I can offer the soft gauze of illusion
By which you can transform and deny
I offer magic and enchantment
I offer pipe dreams and vital lies
Follow the siren call of illusion
The sense of safety it affords
Use self deception as a shield
And use distraction as a sword
You will be comforted by beliefs
Of your ultimate rescuer and you’re unique
Illusions that cheer and comfort
But ultimately may not deliver what you seek
Because knowing is better than not knowing
And venturing better than not
Illusions may be alluring and effective
But may isolate and stunt the growth you’ve got
You can take a leap of irrational faith
Into a great shared delusion
Religion can comfort but beware
It may create more problems than solutions.”

“I will wrap myself in illusion
And I will get busy with my life
There is too much to do and to enjoy
To worry too much about truth and strife”

“Yes, many do, but, sooner or later,
You must face the truths of existence
Your illusions may comfort you
But keep others at a distance
You may be isolated from a loved one
Because of their illusion as a defence
And it cannot be removed easily
Without replacing it with something else”

“So tell me of these truths of existence
And must I live a life free of illusion?
I think the world will appear very bare
And too much reality will mean exclusion”

“I will tell you later and you are free to choose
Be guided by what’s effective for you
Do not weaken your spirit by too much illusion
Remain aware and you’ll know what’s right for you”

4. The Truths of Existence

I search until later in the firelight
I meet a prophet with a bearded face
He said “don’t hide in delusion or illusion
Seek the truth and live in grace
Have no fear and seek always to confront
The truths of your existence
Harness their power for growth
And for change with persistence.”

4.1 You are ultimately Alone

“There is a gap between you
Even those you love have shown
This will never be fully bridged
Because you’re born and die alone.
The experiences of another
Are unyieldingly private and unknown
Though you try two by two or in groups
It still breaks through that you’re alone.”

“You may hide from isolation
You may create a false solution
And use another as a shield
To melt into an unnatural fusion.
Self awareness breeds anxiety
That with fusion you may lose
But also lose yourselves
So the wise wouldn’t choose.
Not enough relating,
And not enough care
Too much hiding
No self awareness there.
Now cut off from others
This relationship feeds upon itself
Neither giving to or caring about others
And finally caves-in on itself.”

“Healthy interpersonal relationships
Are rewarding and gratifying
And though caring and deeply human
They’re still mystifying
Though you’re ultimately alone
And you’re in our own boat
You still get much comfort
From the lights of those nearby afloat.”

4.2 There is no obvious Meaning

“You’re built this way
To seek meaning in things
So you ask questions
That no-one or nothing is answering.
All your accomplishments & your solar system
Will one day in its time
Suffer destruction and lie in ruins
With no apparent reason or rhyme.
But you seek meaning in the ruins
Of destruction and inevitable death
You seek order and pattern
Among random and un-patterned events
And in so doing try to gain
Some semblance of control
Because meaning is the fertile soil
From which values we grow
Then “Why do I live?” gives way
To How do I live?
And “Why do I give?” gives way
To “How do I give?”
For meaning is found obliquely
And ensues from meaningful activity
From engagement and commitment
And what you give with productivity.”

4.3 Death is inevitable

“At your core there is a conflict
Between the wish to continue to exist
And the awareness of inevitable death
Which you fight and rage to resist
And so you’re ingenious in your ways
To escape death or to deny
You challenge, detoxify and desensitise it
You distract yourselves from when or why
You transform it to something positive
You say you’re just passing on
Or try immortality through works or children
Or maybe through religion believe you live on
And though intellectually you may know
You may unconsciously deny
Because of overwhelming anxiety
You may not want to explore when or why.
You may choose a delusion
That you’re special and you’re unique
Or that you’ve an ultimate rescuer
Who will protect you awake and asleep
The fact of death will destroy you
For this is surely your fate
But the idea of death can save you
If accepted fully before it’s too late.”

4.4 Freedom is a right and a responsibility

“As a civilisation you yearn freedom
And to achieve it many sacrificed and died
You see freedom as your right
But there’s also a duty to which you’re tied
You’re responsible for your own choices
The author of your own life design
But you’re creatures who desire structure
Anxious when nothing will guide or align
And so often the outside world is blamed
For the problems you experience and face
You may believe that you’ve no power
And you’ve no responsibility to change & replace
But change starts with acceptance
For the choices that you’ve made
And then the will to choose and act
Despite feeling anxious and afraid
You may keep your options open
In anxious procrastination
But alternatives must be excluded
To reach your path’s foundation.”

The Universe doesn’t Know

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Ah…the universe doesn’t know
The truth of what’s beauty
The truth of what’s right.
It doesn’t know the future
It awaits our answer
As we compete and fight.

The answer we build together
From competition
From risks and duress.
And of the many who strive
Some will fail
Some will sow progress.

Our birth and death
Show we are links
In a millennial chain.
That we are but stardust…
We’re from the stars
And shall return again.

Written by thus.i.wrote

November 19, 2015 at 3:07 pm

Je Suis Paris

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They were young and beautiful
Those who died
Their happy faces haunt me
I felt impotent as I cried
I want to rage
Because it was so unfair
I want to scream
And rip myself bare
I want to lash out
And kill them in their lair
I want retribution
For atrocities committed there

Drugged on a twisted cult
They were young and black with hate
Dehumanised by cherry picked images
Their reason immobilised by rage
They wanted to believe the lies
To exchange loneliness and alienation
For the brotherhood of a cause
For glory and eternal salvation
They sacrificed themselves
To kill like a machine
They will never know the lies
Or know what it all means

They are a cancer
Rising in the Middle East
It sounds old medieval
It smells of the Beast
They have shown the world
They can sow brutal seeds
But much more food is needed
For an effective society to feed
We believe in our secular society
Where love and peace can grow clear
We will stand together
We weep but will never fear

Written by thus.i.wrote

November 15, 2015 at 10:00 am